Ladies and gentlemen could I please have your attention. As Workforced Air prepares to take off I would be grateful if you could give your full attention to our in-flight safety demonstration:
In the event of an emergency oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling panels. As the plane loses altitude could you please spend your last moments doing Darth Vader impressions. Please put your mask on first because adults do better Darth Vader impersonations than children (the Flight Safety Association has confirmed this).
The cabin crew will now demonstrate the location of emergency exits through the medium of interpretive dance. Flight attendant David will pretend to be a tree. He’s training for a small part in a local theatre production. Well done David.
In the event of a water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. The bread rolls provided in your lunch can also be used.
Your lifejacket can be found in the seat pocket under you. Tie the lace at the side of your lifejacket in a double bow. There will be a prize for the prettiest knot. Your lifejacket also has a small light and whistle to attract attention. If you survive you can take it to a rave. Stand next to the DJ booth and dance like someone has slipped a disco biscuit in your beer. Please inflate the lifejacket after you have left the aircraft, you muppet.
If any of you is thinking of having a cigarette as the plane hurtles towards the ground, go ahead. Its the last chance you’ll get to have a smoke and it’ll be the only cigarette you ever get away with on the plane.
We will also provide cyanide capsules or packets of peanuts for anyone with a nut allergy. Thank you for flying Workforced Air. Please sit back, relax and we’ll start the crying baby in a few minutes.
Whilst flying is one of the statistically safest forms of transport, this offers little comfort to anyone hurtling towards the ground in a flaming mausoleum. I’m pretty sure flying isn’t so safe; what else could a “cross check” be other than the captain making sure the stewardesses have said their prayers?
It was pointed out to me that the black box is normally recovered after a crash. That’s why, starting from next year, all new Workforced Air planes will be made 100% out of black boxes.
;)
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Do you belong to the Mile High Club? I keep asking people if it really exists (airplanes are so cramped and crowded and I know I’m not that flexible), and no one will answer me. I think they don’t answer because they don’t want to admit to not being a member of something that doesn’t exist but seems sexy in some ridiculous way. But here’s to flying high with The Doobie Brothers as your flight attendants!
Love,
Lola
Thanks for making me laugh today. ‘Cause other than that it’s been a sucky day.
A black box with wings, it’s the safest way to fly. I think you just came up with a million dollar idea.
You know, I’ve never had occasion to fly, but you make it sound like something that I can do without a bit longer. Thanks for a good laugh!
At least you got something… My last flight, they ran out of food two rows ahead of me… sigh…
I’m holding out for an airline with planes built by Volvo.
Black box or not, I’m driving.
Yeah, why aren’t planes made of black boxes?
Jai
Gee, my last flight, they ran out of food at the seat in front of me and asked if I wouldn’t mind eating a FIRST CLASS MEAL! What? No way, Jose! What do you take me for? You want me to eat a sirloin steak on a real plate with real silverware and a cloth napkin in front of people being fed pressed fiberboard? You’re durn tootin’, I do! Bring it on… Oh, the wine is free, too? Thank you, very much… Sorry about your flight, of course…
First of all, that’s not just any man with a mustache, it’s Tom Selleck! That lunch is absolutely gross, although points for not having the food touch. Funny funny funny!
your blog is such a comfort to me as I have no money and will be on holiday next week so glad I am not flying anywhere. Just a trip to the chippy after a splash in the local pool…thanks for making me laugh all the way to a chilled pool and equally chilled takeaway
You are my absolute hero. You inspire me with every read. Your like crack, for literaries. You indirectly revolt against the workplace, you’re soon to be overthrowing the president and eventually God – And guess what my friend, I’ll be right there bashing down the pearly gates with you when you do.
Love,
Bloggo
Hilarious! Very fun!
“There will be a prize for the prettiest knot”- hahaha.. really funny!