Either I’m on a business trip or my new hobby is collecting receipts. Reimbursement is a lovely word; it makes you order better food, appreciate the mini-bar and tip taxi drivers. It’s much easier to be generous with someone else’s money. Itemised, however, is a less attractive word and it’s not easy explaining why you ordered the blue whale ribs when you were watching pay-per-view porn in the hotel room. This is the situation I again find myself in; far away from home, on a never-ending business trip. Where better to start than at the airport?
Passport Control Freaks
The person who invented the retractable barrier ropes for airports was a smart guy. The person who sold them to airprts was a genius. There’s hundreds of them! Most of them don’t even lead anywhere, someone just connects them up to make a load of sheep pens. I would love to have heard the sales call: “We need how many? Wow, really? That sounds like an awful lot. I mean we only have one terminal and two check-in desks. 200 per check-in desk you say? Well, you’re the expert.” Done.
Stories abound of unfortunate travellers who have been wandering for years through labyrinths of posts and ribbons. Off-balance toddlers, lacking the stature to be thwarted by these barriers, dart about in whichever direction their over-sized heads lead them. Once you have made it to check-in desk, having tripped over the odd toddler or two, you answer the security questions.
“Did you pack the bag yourself?”
“My wife chose most of my clothes, does that count?”
“Has anyone given you anything to take onboard the flight?”
“Former girlfriends have given me a burgeoning sense of sexual inadequacy. Oh, and you gave me a boarding pass; are you in trouble?”
Next you bid your luggage farewell, as you head to Chicago and it begins its journey to Hawaii. Armed with no sharp objects and only your blunt hand luggage, its off to security.
Where would we be without airport security? The flight lounge. We’d be in the flight lounge, siting down having a coffee without losing our shoes, toiletries and dignity. It no fun being five foot something-or-another and having to take off my shoes to be less than five foot something-or-another. I need all the Cuban heels I can get. Still, there is something amusing about watching your shoes roll away from you on a conveyor belt for a catscan.
If you can keep your toiletries through security then your trip has already been successful. I’ve often tried to argue that “Yes, its a big tube of toothpaste but its two-thirds empty.” It never works. I fail to see how losing my tothpaste, or for that matter my toupee wax, and having a bad breath, bad no-hair day presents a threat to national security.
It is my firm belief that the toothpaste, shaving foam and deodorant confiscated by the TSA in America is being re-sold cheaply in China, undercutting local manufacturers in an effort to dampen Chinese industry. I can’t think of any other explanation. Clearly the transport security agency isn’t using your toothpaste or deodorant.
Next week the plane takes off.
;)
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I lost my Downy Wrinkle Releaser to the TSA nazis just last week. Downy’s “trial size” is 4 oz, exactly 0.6 oz more than allowed. They wouldn’t take the arguement that it was half gone either. So when I go into my next meeting with wrinkled clothes because my boss is to cheap to put me up at a place that will provide me with an iron, I’ll have to tell them it’s TSA’s fault. ‘Cause there’s no way I’m checking my luggage!
Checked luggage WILL always take the long route… sigh… Last Italy trip for three days, my luggage showed up on the 4th day (I left that morning, so maybe I passed it on the way in), bags were finally returned to me 9 days later at home…
Man I loathe airports, and YES the security is ridiculous. Last week I forgot to take an unopened itty bitty bottle of water out of my carry-on bag. When I went through security, I swear they reacted as if I also had a bomb strapped to my body. ‘Aaaa…dude. The bottle is unopened and safety sealed. Would you like to see me drink it to show you it’s not an exploisve liquid?’
I shutter to think what would’ve happened to me if I actually said that to the inspector. I’d probably be in jail somewhere getting stripped searched with a police baton being probed here and there.
You’ve nicely encapsulated the magic and beauty that is business travel! Thank you!
Oh, can’t wait to fly overseas in June.
I’ve just had a long plane flight from nowhere to another nowhere. Well at least I have the next two posts written!
I continue to enjoy your blog. Wish I knew how to maximum my earnings from my own blog! Running total is all of £2.21 pounds sterling…Ho hum!
To add insult to injury, we (US) now have full-body scans. It insulted my sense of dignity and human rights at first, but then I figured if TSA peeps want to get a better view of my carefully disguised muffin top and the robo-bra that really holds the girls up, more power to ‘em.
A final thought: it always strikes me slightly pessimistic that they call anything to do with an airport, “terminal”.
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Thank you for blogging. That’s the most nice entry I have found about this.
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