‘Tis the season to send employees all over the shop. I’m being thrown between cities for the next couple of weeks so apologies again for intermittent posting. Hopefully things will calm down after my company is disbanded by Federal decree. As everyone likes a post with a table and an illustration (the New York Times was founded on this premise), I’ve cobbled together every management animal I’ve ever worked with.
The Management Zoo
Most managers have a few things in common: (1) they park in better spaces, (2) they get paid more and (3) they don’t do any real work. It’s clear that managers are lazy because their secretaries plan their lives, they read ‘executive summaries’ and they spend a lot of time in meetings, where very little gets done.
Managers would have you believe that they need to know less detail about more topics. If that’s the case then the CEO must know nothing about absolutely everything. Judging by BP’s ex-CEO Tony Hayward’s testimony in the Supreme Court that might be about right.
There is no one type of manager; they are as varied as the spots on a teenage leopard’s face. They would have you call it ‘management styles’, when really the differences come from which two-day courses they have been on. So what differentiates these species in the giant corporate zoo?
The brilliant Sam Szulc does it again.
| Species of Manager | Species Habits – Identifying Traits (or SHIT for short) |
| Dog | As you know dogs are very territorial. Dog managers hold their talented employees back, lest they lose them to another team. Dog managers hang round you when you’re trying to work, lapping up attention, before barking that the team are behind. Heaps of SHIT. Just like a real pooch, these managers metaphorically hump your leg because they don’t want you to leave them pining for attention. |
| Seagull | Full of SHIT. Flies in, flaps around making lots of noise, craps on everything and flies off again. |
| Pig | Sexist, judgmental and generally boorish (or perhaps boarish in this case), pigs can be found wallowing in SHIT. Pigs can do quite well in companies today under the guise that they just “tell it like it is”. Once in a while pigs squeal once too often and they get their bacon cooked in an acrimonious lawsuit. |
| Parrot | Repeats the words it hears the most frequently: squawk, cost control, squawk, headcount reduction! Parrots don’t think for themselves; they see further by perching on the shoulders of their superiors. Pretty to look at, inoffensive and easily promoted. |
| Whale | A whale manager is one of those managers you don’t understand. You can hear them whining but you have no idea what they mean. |
| Squirrel | Squirrels hoards the company’s nuts. A squirrel is the kind of manager who lowers your performance review because they don’t want to see you get a decent bonus. I remember meeting one such squirrel: “Well I expected you to achieve an exceptionally high standard and you did that. Therefore you met my expectations and I have graded you as meeting expectations; it wouldn’t feel right to grade you as above expectations.” Thanks. |
| Yeti | Probably a myth. The yeti manager inhabits the higher plains of the company, after deservedly being promoted up and up and up. If you’re lucky to catch a glimpse of one they are probably dashing between meetings, shirking publicity. |
| Praying Mantis | Religious managers adopt one consistent stance for as long as it takes to pay-off. When they sense weakness in their adversaries they bite off their heads. Pray. |
| Crabs | Crabs are the micro-managers that irritate you by grabbing onto your balls and squeezing with all their might. |
| Hyena | Hyenas managers encourage pack behavior and collective laughing for the sake of team spirit. Hyena managers (“Call me Pete”), love to be one of team (as long as they work less and get paid more). Whatever they are involved in, you will be invited, whether mundane (supporting the Boy Scouts), dangerous (hang-gliding) or both (downhill speed quilting). Who promoted the funniest guy in the office? |
Some managers are hybrids of different species. Be especially aware of the whale-seagull mix; when they crap on you, it takes a long time to clean up.
Until next time…
;)
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Wait till you get a Squirrely Crab…
Very clever and accurate!
Yeah.. My manager is a dog…
Very clever…Have a great day!
Kisses
ps: I am hosting a really cute GIVEAWAY, so please join in:)
Damn! That pretty much hits the mark and nails every. single. one.
Brilliant! I love the pic too.
Absolutely hilarious! You nailed it! I recognized pretty much ever manager I have ever had in there…
So what would you call the one who actually has ALL those traits?…
And haven’t you noticed that pigs usually preface their wallowing with a statement such as “To tell you the truth, . . . ” or “To be perfectly frank, . . . ‘ . Well, Pig, if you want to change your name to Frank, then that’s fine and dandy, but if you don’t use these preface statements, then does that mean you are lying? Or are you simply lying all the time and only telling the truth when you forget your beginning line? Pigs also sometimes begin their statements with meaningless apologies, such as “Well, I’m sorry but that black woman is an idiot and it has nothing to do with her being black or female and I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.” I’ve worked with many a pig. But, oh, now I must ponder what sort of manager some folks might think I am.
Infinities of love,
Lola, who is neither Frank nor Sorry
Bravo! This is great list…I think I might sneak a slide of it into the next manager’s meeting, ya know to spice things up a bit…heh…hehe
Thanks everyone. Its reassuring to know I’m not the only one who’s been under various species. Chuck – if it ever makes is way into a manager’s meeting please let me know. I’ll build a shrine to you based on that!
That illustration of suspect managers almost made me spit out of drink!
Jai
Bloody brilliant post! I could identify with all those managers…. shit you must have spent ages thinking up all those animals as being representatives of managers!
HAhaha! Brilliant! “Yeti. Probably a myth.” I don’t know why exactly, but I’m still cracking up over this. Great blog by the way; I’m hooked now!
Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn\’t appear. Grrrr… well I\’m not writing all that over again. Regardless, just wanted to say great blog!
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