Small Man, Big Interview

A short while ago I was interviewed by the man known as Moooog, who writes the very funny Midget Man of Steel blog. It’s not one for the easily offended.

Interviewed by The Midget Man of Steel

1. Do you have any special talents? For instance, I can juggle really, really poorly (up to two balls), imitate Kermit the Frog and can also make dolphin noises. Interestingly, I’ve made $300 doing all three simultaneously for this chick with a Muppet/mammal fetish, but that’s a different story and my defamation suit is still pending. How about you?

Well, my juggling skills outdo yours; I have juggled office comedy, neuroticism and pedantry for years. I remember arguing with my ex-wife over which of us was more pedantic. I won the argument, she got the kids. Double win for me!

Above all else I’m a first rate writer. I’m sorry, I don’t mean writer; I mean chronic masturbator. I often get the two mixed up. I was caught writing on a bus last year.

My imagination is arguably a talent, although I’ve been prescribed Ritalin for it.

2. Speaking of defamation lawsuits, what is your favorite way to dress? I have an aversion to anything around my ankles since the whole ‘dad/bondage’ episodes from my childhood so I can’t wear long sleeves or those short socks without screaming uncontrollably. I’ve forgotten if I’m asking you questions or what at this point.

Well, my socks scream lawyer but my tie screams accountant. I like to mix styles a bit; I’m quite radical like that. I don’t want to come across either too “law” or too “accounting”. It’s a fine line. Next season I’m going to blend an air of insurance broker with hints of banker.

Its only question two and you have lost your train of thought. Snap out of it man! Why not have a sip of coffee from your “Midget Man of Steel” branded mug available online now.

3. If you were to describe your perfect day, why would you bother if there’s something good on television? Oh..THAT’S the question..what’s your favorite TV show? If you say you don’t watch much TV you are dead to me because, seriously, you’re probably the reason ‘Arrested Development’ got canceled and I HATE YOU.

Last year I watched a lot of House. It was my ex-wife’s house. However, since the restraining order I watch a lot more Bachelor: I spend hours crying in front of the mirror.

4. Did you play sports and, if so, which ones? A correct answer here does NOT include ’soccer’ or ‘tennis’ or ‘golf’ as none of those are technically a sport unless you’re LAME or railing chicks like Tiger Woods.

I spend a lot of time scratching my balls. Does that count?

5. Tiger Woods: Bad decision maker, or true American Hero to all men everywhere? Discuss.

I really don’t understand the issue here. The man’s first name is “tiger” and his last name is the plural of “wood”. Has there ever been a name more apt for adultery?

It’s a shame that my real name is Loner Whackoff. I can’t imagine anything more horrible than having sex with scores of women; I find it awkward enough apologizing to one.

I have been thinking of changing my name to Randy Bumgardener, but I don’t want to be confused with the other Randy Bumgardener who is director of the President’s Guest House (http://www.washingtonlife.com/tag/randy-bumgardner/).

6. If you could have any woman in the world to have sex with, who would it be and could you put in a good word for me? Thanks in advance. If you’re married, ‘my wife’ does NOT COUNT here because you know that’s bullshit.

I cast my vote for Michelle Obama. Let’s face it Barack is tall, dark, handsome and the most powerful man in the free world. Still, there’s nothing even a tall, dark, handsome and powerful man can say after you’ve turned around and said “Yeah, well I doinked your wife.” Don Joe: 1, Mr. President: nil.

In the meantime I’ll put in a good word for you with my ex-wife.

7. Did you buy one of my mugs yet (http://www.cafepress.com/mentalpoo)?

No, they’re crap.

Not really an interview question but I’ve only made, like, 6 bucks so I need as much free advertising as I can get.

In which case yes and it’s superb. I also bought your thong priced $8.99. Who wouldn’t cover their bulge with a “Midget Man of Steel” logo? The joke writes itself. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have a bigger penis but at least the thong makes light of my midget man. I’m less convinced by your “Midget Man of Steel” kidney dialysis machine. At over $20,000 I think it takes the piss.

8. If you could eat one food only for the rest of your life, what would it be? Also, where is this food coming from? Are you a magician? (see: special talent question above)

Residents of California won’t be surprised to hear that my chosen food is “In-N-Out Burger.”

After I am uncloaked and my anonymity thrown into the wind I am likely to get fired, sued and ridiculed. When the forthcoming Workforced book flops I am highly likely to spend the rest of my life flipping burgers, which will work out well if the job includes a lunch allowance. Who needs magic when you have a palpable lack of alternative job prospects?

9. Do you look like anyone famous? If the answer is ‘Sarah Jessica Parker’ please feel free to off yourself. Seriously. The world doesn’t need any more of that crap.

Imagine Harry Potter aged 35 and you’re pretty close.

Phallus Enlargio!

Shame I don’t have the spells.

Apologies in advance but I’ll be away on business next week and I’m unlikely to post until early the following week. By ‘away on business’ I mean I’ll be picking my nose in a seminar room, instead of writing blog posts at a desk.