Senior Management – Part 1

Thank you all for joining me through the A to Z of the Jargon Dictionary. Hopefully you laughed until you cried or cried until you gave up. It’s now time for Workforced to turn away from the world of jargon and take a wry glance into the lives of managers, whatever their level. I start at the top and work down through the corporate zoo. Without further adieu, Senior Managers:

Senior Managers – Part 1

At the upper echelons of the corporate hierarchy are the senior managers, most of whom are of the age where they are applauded after they tell you how old they are. I look forward to counting not being dead as an achievement. If senior managers were furniture they would be antiques, which is why they cost so much.

What makes a senior manager then is not business acumen, having grown up with Moses or a hobby like grousing. No, no, it’s their ability to relieve the national debt of Djibouti with the stroke of a pen.

Of course, they may also hunt grouse or have grown up near the steps of Mount Sinai. The 10 Commandments are actually the first recorded office memo. And lo, God said, “Moses, take these commandments and carbon copy the Jews.” I digress.

Only recently one of our “grousing” managers brought his rifles into a European office, in preparation for a weekend’s shooting. Naturally, I volunteered to take both rifles to his office. Carrying two massive guns through the office building reminded me a lot of working in an American office, except I didn’t become the subject of a one hour documentary on Fox with my neighbors saying “He liked to keep himself to himself.”

Senior managers tend to sport nicknames without their knowing, such as Uncle Hank or Papa Steve. This goes alongside their already cumbersome job titles, which include words usually found on the back cover of adult DVDs like “group’” and “head.”

Senior managers can supposedly do things like build teams, remove obstacles and a thousand other nothing phrases. It’s all bunkum. All senior managers really have is the ability to convince other people they deserve to be senior managers. The best way to do that is by not saying anything stupid. Lincoln famously said it’s “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Sound advice for would-be CEOs and presidents alike.

Once you’ve made it to the top you have to keep the rouse going. Take credit for anything that works out well in the company and mitigate poor performance on previous managers, extraneous circumstances and market forces. It’s simple really. Rising stock prices? Visionary initiatives. Falling stock prices? Externalities. Tricks like these allow incompetent and crooked managers to stay in power for years on end.

How else can you explain CEOs like Ken Lay (Enron, massive crook), Chuck Conway (Kmart, another fraudster) and Bernie Ebbers (WorldCom, yep you guessed it – fraud)?

With Thanks To

I would like to graciously thank Eva Gallant from Wrestling with Retirement who reviewed Workforced. It has to be said, Eva is possibly one of the single kindest and most charming of blog followers, who is not only a dedicated reader but also a very spiffy lady. Not only does Eva give away Baconnaise, she also gives away Baconnaise. Apparently Eva really likes Baconnaise. I don’t know any other meat that gets its own “-aise” although I’m wondering if someone once took a bite of out of Holland?

Finally, thanks to Chuck from Apocalypse Now for the award.