This week features part 2 of the jargon dictionary. Several post-it notes were harmed during the writing of this article. From “Harness” to “Professionalism”:
The Jargon Dictionary Part 2
Harness: This has nothing to do with lifting a horse. Small words like ‘use’ have no place in the office. You don’t use your ability, you harness it, apparently. This word is for people who want to look smarter. Of course, since it’s obvious you’re trying to look smart it makes you look silly, like a horse in a harness.
Informal: Means “formal,” as in “Let’s keep this informal.”
Inter-Personal Skills: A term used by people who have none. A man who says he has good interpersonal skills was the kid at school who pretended he had had sex. I would have been that kid but everyone knew I hadn’t. Dammit.
Interesting: Means “not interesting,” as in “That’s interesting” after a colleague presents a new proposal that’s as interesting as watching a worm poo.
Job Security: When no one else would touch your job with a barge pole, either because it’s too hard, dull, specialized or unappealing.
Leverage: See ‘Harness’.
Meeting: A meeting is a formal process of collective time-wasting made acceptible by the institutionalization of bad habits. Similarly, since a conference is a big meeting it must be a big waste of time.
Mind Shower: Apparently, the term brainstorming is offensive to epileptics. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Objectives: I was told that someone once complained, or rather ‘objected’, to the fact they didn’t known what they were doing. Objectives were created to keep us occupied and lull us into a false sense of purpose. Well done consultants, you win this round.
Policy: “I don’t want to have to think about this or take the blame when it goes wrong.” If we all follow policies we can blame them, not ourselves, when they go wrong.
Proactive: I think this has something to do with yogurt.
Professionalism: Learning to smile when people suggest new places to store your pen.
Please remember that this Friday is Jargon Day (because I forgot about last Monday). Points will be scored for the most ridiculous sentence you manage to get away with in the office.
The winner will be announced next week, alongside the third and final installment of The Jargon Dictionary.
Only 44 Other Blogs are Funnier than Workforced
It’s official: Workforced is somewhere in the top 45 funniest blogs on the internet. I’m glad that only internet blogs were included in this list because there’s a hilarious German who writes haikus using damp moss on stone slates. Hurrah.
;)
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Are you taking any suggestions? I have a few off the top of my head:
Benchmark: The place your boss expects you to be as he sits around and tries to trip you up as you pass by.
Best Practices: You don’t think we actually know how to do this proficiently do you? That’s why we need the practice!
Core Compentencies: At the core, someone may be competent, but we make sure to cover it up with a lot of procedures and processes.
Great post:)
ps: I hope you had a change to enter my GIVEAWAY!!!
Bwah! offensive to epileptics??? man, I think as a diminutive person I’m going to have a fit and see if they can stop advertising all the houses around here for Short Sale… that offends me
Bloody brilliant!
I would add that “interesting” means not interesting or incredibly stupid. I’ve sat through a lot of interesting PowerPoint (obviously) presentations.
Great stuff, as usual!
My daughter rows crew and she was in a race at the Jack London Aquatic Center, which I find amusing because I had to read a Jack London novel for a class and the main (autobiographical) character commits suicide by drowning himself after he becomes successful writing schlock. Wait a minute – suicide, suicide. Isn’t there some jargon the higher ups use when an employee (peon) jumps out the fiftieth story window because she’s had all she can take of being told to be proactive and harness her inner power to improve her interpersonal skills because she needs to stop yelling f*** you during meetings? (I tried to stop. I really did. At least they didn’t fire me. I was released from my position. And they were too kind (avoiding a lawsuit) to let me near the window.) And thanks again for the gift certificate. I am thrilled to be a winer.
Love,
Lola
Bwaaaa-ha-ha!
You’re working for the Government, aren’t you… only they can obsfucate so well… tell the truth and congratulations on being in the upper 45! Come visit when you get the chance and check out my very first vlog…
Twitter: SolarChief
The Proactive definition really made me laugh…so subtle yet so true. Eschew Obsfucation! That being the point of the Poltergist movie admonishment.
ROFL. Thank you SO much for this. We seem to be living in a world where people are so far up their own *** that nobody understand plain language any more.
This one is going up as my ‘Funny Friday’ link.
another reason I am glad not to be in the workforce anymore
i get enough double talk from the two year old grandson
According to your jargon, I am oozing professionalism.
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