1,000 Followers – Jargon Month on Workforced

Workforced has hit 1,000 followers! In honor of this momentous occasion I’m declaring July as Jargon Month. Festivities will include my attempt to compile the A-Z of office jargon, the launch of Trans-Global Jargon Day on Monday July 19th, where all readers are encouraged to speak only in jargon for one day at work, and the republication of my early article “Jargonization” with a brand spanking new illustration by Sam Szulc.

Jargonization

Office jargon is the re-branding of everything to seem more important, intelligent and inspired than it really is. In other words: sitting around with a bunch of nuts and bananas talking about apples-to-apples comparisons.

Most offices have long since abandoned the word “problem” in favour of the word “opportunity”. Losing a limb in a mechanical digger accident doesn’t feel like much of an opportunity. A complete lack of detail is now a “high-level view”. A bad idea is a “negative value driver”. You have no longer been given the sack because the company management is not competent enough to use all the staff they hired; you were “rationalised”.

It gets worse. Giving 110 per cent doesn’t mean you fudged the accounts, can’t count or have multiple personalities. Apparently, “shooting from the hip” has nothing to do with an errant vasectomy, “scope creep” isn’t a stalker with binoculars and “separating the men from the boys” isn’t just something pederasts do. It won’t be long before water-boarding is simply “operationally efficient information gathering”.

“Jargonized” by Sam Szulc

Office jargon used to be the domain of the kind of people that read Sun Tzu’s ‘Art of War’ in the break-room and had Bill Gates screensavers. Sadly, this drivel is now pervasive and ubiquitous, especially at the management level.

“We need to ask ourselves what we should be talking about. Let’s pro-actively take the bull by the horns, leverage our core values to drive our decision-making processes and utilise that leverage, spurring us to boost shareholder value. We will use a long lens to look down the line at the big picture on the horizon. I give the go-ahead to pulling the trigger, pushing the button, raising the bar and switching gears. Considering our over-arching skill sets, our innovative approach rejects the use cookie cutters to reinvent the wheel, such that our upside potential is a win-win. The World is changing and we must change with it. That is what we have been doing; that is what we are doing today and that is what we will continue to do in future. Because at the end of the day, we’re all working for tomorrow.”

Earning five times more than I do does not mean I’m one fifth your intelligence. You’re a no-brainer. I should have slept in, or misaligned myself with my getting out of bed process. You might as well just be talking about sex. In fact, you probably are:

A guide to successful office leverage

Get down to business when your colleague gives you the green light to forge a connection (unless her mailroom has been red flagged). She will adopt a low-level horizontal position with a blue sky vision. Touch points, touch base. Limit the vulnerability of your product pipeline with suitable business attire. Penetrate a new market. Drill down into her cutting edge with your low hanging fruit. Use your spearhead initiative to push her envelope. Change position. Make sure she is stretched beyond her comfort zone. Your action item’s deadline will approach as she breaks the glass ceiling. When leaving your mark think outside the box. Stop piggy-backing and restructure to ensure face-time; use your release form to cross her t’s and dot her i’s. Your chairman will immediately downsize. Next time reach for the brass ring.

Until next time…

p.s. The winner of the competition for the $60 gift card for the Vanity Store will be announced next week. If you’d still like to enter all you have to do is vote for Workforced on Blogger’s Choice Awards as best humor blog and leave a comment. Thusfar only two entries have been received: Lola at Dumped First Wife and Kathy at Happy At Home.