Departments in big companies have an unspoken hierarchy. The hierarchy changes a bit in different companies but typically its the same department at the bottom: Facilities. Facilities is the bedrock on which every other department poops.
If you could lump together every job you’d rather not do into one department you’d get Accounts. Sorry, I mean Facilities. Have you ever wondered who ensures the notices are taken down on the right day or who puts up the signs that tell you to wash your hands after a poo? No, me neither. But it’s Facilities.
Colleagues of mine spent weeks doting over replacing the breakroom cups. They decided on a more eco-friendly variety. No one noticed. Hopefully some gophers lived longer as a result.
When I see someone walking around with a clipboard I feel a little jealous because they’ve escaped their desks. The envy subsides when I remember that they’re taking an inventory of clogged soap dispensers. It’s not all blocked soap dispensers of course. It’s also blocked toilets.
But I’m not here to give the impression that the Facilities department spends all of their times in the toilets, working and dropping the kids off at the pool. Far from it. Facilities also holds sway over “signage” (or “signs” if you’re a normal human being). Surely somebody has to tell you to watch your step or mind your head?
I doubt it. If someone has to be told to mind their head they can’t read the sign quickly enough to duck. Besides, if there is a Cro-Magnon skulking about the office their knuckles are probably dragging along the carpet, in which case their stooped gait removes any need to duck in the first place.
But what if Facilities didn’t exist. What would we do without coffee machines and office lighting? Ah yes, sleep peacefully at our desks. That said, there have been several occasions when my finger has been poised to send Facilities an email.
Good afternoon,
I would be most grateful if you could open a requisition order on my behalf. Within the last few weeks my career has been flushed down the toilet. I would be grateful if someone could fish it out.
Given my job prospects are now something you wouldn’t even wipe your bottom with, I’m pretty sure the toilet is an inappropriate place to have flushed them. We may need to check our plumbing because many of my colleagues have mentioned a similar issue.
Kind regards,
Don Joe
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Please help me, Don Joe, escape the office to become a rap legend and then be the first man to wee on the moon. Top that Buzz Aldrin.
;)
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m realizing that in my world, I am facilities. Lest you think I kid, yesterday my four year old did the following:
(sniffing the toilet) Mmm, nummy!
She really likes that new minty flavored cleaner. Guess I’m doing my job well.
Before you envy the guy with the clipboard too much, think back to the episode of Seinfeld. The one where George, just looked aggrivated and shuffled papers around on his desk any time someone walked past the office… He didn’t do anything, just shuffled the papers and looked aggrivated and aired his frustrations now and then. Everyone thought he was busy and couldn’t be bothered. IT WORKS!
If you are walking around the office with papers in your hand- you look like you are going somewhere, doing something and it all has a purpose. Even if it is nothing more than recipes you printed out when you were supposed to be actually doing something. Try it sometime….. you know you’re going to!
When you are self-employed in a one plant operation, you are facilities.
I am just happy to hear that there is a fancier title for me than SAHM.
I think facilities was responsible for this signage I ran into today checketts-myers-clan.blogspot.com/ (heck no, I didn’t mean in REAL life… I was a little busy with the menial facilities tasks of keeping the house from falling down around my ears and running my kids hither and yon. mostly yon.
At my work we just call them shit-heads…they don’t seem to mind so much.
http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com
You’ve got my vote!
One of the greatest things I ever did was make friends of the facilities dept. The also did all the purchasing too and worked with every vendor. It helped that they were on the same floor and I commuted everyday with one of the staff. I got in on all the free food they got from vendors. I was invited to tastings when some new catering company was trying to get some new business and would feed us all. I also saw how you could get burned. You got your new blackberry last, or last years model. Your office still gets no air conditioning or heat or that light stays out a few more days. You became the last on the list.
I also remember leaving a note on the bathroom mirror once reminding ladies to wipe the seats off if they tinkle on them. It was removed by facilities who informed me and explained to their horror how they are regulated about what signage can be hung in a bathroom and wished they could leave it up. It was nice it rhymed….something like if you sprinkle when you tinkle…
As for the guy with the clipboard ……that’s Larry and he is checking the space. Get prepared for an office move.
I have been working in the Facilities line of business for 20 years. Trust me when I say, we all drink heavily and love to gather at the local watering hole to discuss the inane idiosyncrasies we encounter on a daily basis. People are ALWAYS putting up their own signs, like the one at a Cousins Sub shop recently placed over the urinal asking patrons to please avoid pooping there. Analisa is correct. Be nice to us as we may not be able to keep your career from flushing down the toilet but we can make your ride down much more comfortable.
In some companies, never, ever, ever, attempt to move your work area on your own. Facilities has to do it.
Fun post!
That’s the biggest drawback about telecommunicating…they can’t watch you juggle paper, or open files, or check your rotary file…so, you aren’t earning your paycheck…always fascinated me how people view things…Peter’s Principle, at its peak…love your blog and voted for you…keep it up and come visit when you can…
Twitter: SolarChief
Oh crap (literally)… I think I work in Facilities. Oh, the shame!
Because you made me laugh out loud – twice – I voted for you.
Very funny post! I tell you, I learned that I had to treat Facilities well, or else! I never got anything from them until I started to bring them bagels, cookies and treats!
)
Doris
Always be nice to Facilities and Payroll. Always.
We’ve subcontracted our facilities management to another company, which takes away rather a lot of the fun now. I think that means that being in finance becomes the lowest of the low.
I am facilities at work. Not because I’m qualified. Not because I wanted that job…I’m facilities because I’m one of the only female administrators. All the engineers are too good for it. Lovely…
Alyssa
Oh to work at a large corporation with Facilities. Here I am Finance AND Facilities, and a few other things in between. I order the paper cups, TP, coffee, office supplies, and professional services (copy guy, shredding guy, water guy…we get a lot of guys). I draw the line, however, at toilets. I will park my ass on one but that is the extent of our relationship. I can’t wait until my assistant comes back from mat leave so I can pass the Facilities torch back to her and slink hobbit-like back to my lair…I mean office.
OhmygAd! I supposed everyone agrees with your facilities post, and I agree with all the comments here. Be friends with the facility department is one of the smartest things to do at work. They do a lot, yet, it’s almost a thankless job, even though people thank them, but do they really appreciate them?
How often have you been told the money is in the list, the money is actually in a responsive list.
When you are a one person crew, you are facilities.
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