A Trip to The (Careers’) Fair – Part 2

It has been years since I last called myself a student, save for when I’m wrangling cheaper cinema tickets. I’m now much older and slightly squidgier than the fresh-faced toast muncher that wandered aimlessly between the company stands at my first careers’ fair. If I go to a careers’ fair today its to stand on the other side of the table, handing out free pens to anyone that will listen to me rant about the company culture.

I remember promising myself that I’d never spout the same jargon. Yet here I am, taking two days out of the office to drop buzzwords like a game of scrabble where dodgy neologisms score double. One hand is slapping me for being such a corporate hussy; the other is patting me on the back for getting two days out of the office. With any luck I might even flirt with a few students on company time. I have no problem selling my soul, its just that I thought it would have fetched a higher price.

A recruitment trip makes you realize how different the corporate world looks from the other side. The guise of professionalism stops you from letting the students know how misguided their questions are because recruiters are the human equivalent of brochures, just like Barack Obama is the human equivalent of a nourishing skin cream. Obama Cream: powerful, confident, sexy. Only a president smells this good.

It’s amazing the spin a recruiter can put on a position: “It’s a client-facing role where you’ll build up a network of professional relationships. We encourage flexible working practices, including working from home and hours that adapt to your other commitments. The salary is competitive and your compensation will be tied to your performance. If you work as part of a team you’ll have a direct line of communication with your manager.” Also known as prostitution.

I wrote down some of the questions  I was asked and the answers I wasn’t able to give:

1. How good are the growth opportunities? The growth opportunities are excellent.  Your sedentary lifestyle will give you ample growth around the waist, buttocks and thighs. I’ve already put on five pounds this year.

2. What are the hours like? Each one of them is only sixty minutes but they’ll feel longer.

3. How would you describe the company culture? Imagine a yoghurt without the fruity bits.

4. What is the management structure like? I’m not sure that obnoxious or pedantic are kinds of structure. At the Christmas party I did see one manager give another one a piggy back and that had some structure to it. They fell over soon afterwards and one of them lost a contact lens.

5. How do you work with other offices around the world? Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in team. However there is ‘meat’ and that should give you a general impression. There’s also a ‘Ma’ in team but I don’t think you should bring her into work with you.

Write for Workforced!

I’ve added a new page to the Workforced website: write for Workforced. I’d love to hear your office stories and/or guides to office life. Please send me an email with your scribblings, illustrations, haikus or bank details.

Its an easy way to let off a little comedy steam and get your link on the Workforced website. Plus, I’ll pop round to your parents’ house and install Microsoft Office. Word to mother.

Thank You To…

I’d like to thank Lose That Girl for her review of Workforced this week. “If you’re an office-bound 9-to-5er, you will truly appreciate the wit and smarts that go into Workforced – you might even catch yourself chuckling at an experience that could have been torn from your own life.” I have officially made Lose That Girl’s Jackie the Chief of my PR department, or “CPR” for short.

I’d also like to thank Dropped Stitches for taking a break from photography and knitting needles: “Workforced exposes the absurd folly that is the corporate environment. And it is really funny.” Erin makes me want to take up knitting. How better to darn the massive holes in the corporate socks of my career?