I received an email this week that read: “Hey Don, I’m your biggest fan. I think you’re brilliant and you should write about emails.” Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Don, you received the email because you sent yourself that email. You think you’re brilliant, you’re your own biggest fan and you sent yourself an email suggesting you write about emails so you could write about how much of a waste of time emails are.” That is indeed what I did; you’re a clever bunch.
I get two types of email: crap and spam. Other distinctions are just a different tin of spam or a different pile of crap. Emails are like cigarettes: the crap gets through the filter. Everything else is spam.
Spam comes in several flavors, including personal finance (very fishy), medication (artificial flavorings) and porn (tastes… well, I hope they don’t kiss their families with those mouths). I’m not sure where spammers went to school but their spelling is atrocious. Sometimes I’m not even sure what you’re trying to sell me. I certainly don’t want a postgraduate degree from the place that taught you to spell, Mr. Spammer.
Incidentally, do you think it’s called spam because Viagra is a meat product? In actual fact describing email as “spam” comes from a Monty Python sketch to which I’ll refer in an obscure joke in the next sentence. Aside from spam, spam, baked beans, spam and spam, there’s a whole bunch of crap too, which includes carbon copies (someone else’s crap), blind carbon copies (random crap) and emails addressed to me (or “Oh crap”).
Getting a good email is like finding a needle in a pile of crap and spam.
Sometimes, when I’m sick of reading crap, I dance around my spam folder. I receive at least as many emails telling me that I’ve won the European lottery as I receive telling me that an African general is looking for a bank account to make a large international transfer.
The solution is obvious: I should put them in touch with each other. I could use my lottery winnings to open the bank account that the general needs to make the transfer. That would be like winning two lotteries! When I suggested that to one of the generals he wasn’t very keen. They’re a hard bunch to please.
;)
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
if you find that needle let me know…
That was great! Have you ever read Skunkfeathers’ responses to spammers? He has ongoing correspondence with spammers from time to time and posts them. They are hilarious!
I hate spam. Unless its fried and served with mustard. But that always gunks up my filter.
I’ve actually gotten the Nigerian spam crap by snail mail.
Ah yes… SPAM… My all time record was 462 spams in ONE day, and 6 count ‘em SIX emails I actually needed to do something with. I now change my email addy anytime SPAM exceeds 100 a day…
“But I don’t like spam”
*Assorted Vikings* “SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM” ad infinitum nauseamque
Hello very much! You have been selected randomly. I am extremely wanting to leave you a comments in this comments section which I found by searching secret document files of the dead. During this searches I discovered somethings very excited! If you want me to leave these comment, just send me 687 billion in American currency (according to our records, this is now roughly 10 dollars in most developed countries). Once I receive these currencies from your behalf to my behalf I will then return and produce a comment on your humorous blog site.
So wonderful.
I’d be glad to send you a ‘greatest fan’ e-mail so you can brag that you hadn’t sent one to yourself. It’s the least I can do since your brilliant and all!
The truth is, spam ‘taste’ horrible. Even crap are tolerable.
If I were to win that random European lottery which I never buy and help that African general who doesn’t seem to learn about bons, I will log out and start playing games. Hrmm… That sound alot better!
I like replying to them.
Here…I’ve concatenated them all into one big self-serving URL link to my blog!
You’re welcome.
Hilarious!!
I am going to email you more often. I do hope not to end up in the spammy folder. Also, an email from me should not be viewed as an “Oh Crap!” because I am not asking you to do any work (other than read it).
The USPS gets upset when we call it snailmail. Why doesn’t Hormel get upset when we call it spam?
This made me laugh so much. I was in the internet the other day and I thought I was opening up a different link and it turned out to be rudey booby dirty ladies with loose morals site. I was so embarrased.
lol yep that pretty much sums up my email inbox. Thanks for saving me from having to read all the crap
haha
Thanks, I’ve now got that ruddy Python song in my head….aggghh!!! Make it stop!!!
Yes, I too now have the Spam song in my head! Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, (unintelligble type opera bravado insert here). Thanks a lot!
LOL Best. Line. Ever: ‘Incidentally, do you think it’s called spam because Viagra is a meat product?’
I’m going to borrow that one, if you don’t mind.
What a brilliant idea! Now I know where to direct all my European lottery winnings. Do you know anyone who needs to buy a large quantity of Viagra and … ahem … penis enhancement products? ‘Cuz I know where to direct them.
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam! Monty Python will be running through my head all evening now, gosh darn you. Sometimes if I sing Winnie the Poo I can get rid of the song I’m stuck on, but then I have to switch to the Hershey’s chocolate song from the ride in their theme park to get rid of Winnie the Poop, and then I have to take a valium. My favorite recent email was something about live naked Web cam sharers and it was accidentally routed to my email from my husband’s (who dumped me) address. Ahhh, maybe he misses me after all.
Love,
Dumped First Wife
Strange. I got an email that read “Hey Nicky, you’re Don’s biggest fan. You think he’s brilliant and he should write about emails.”
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam….
That last picture made the whole post!
Jai
hahahahaha, I get so much spam about things that don’t even pertain to me….i’m a girl dang it I don’t need enhancement pills!!!
but they spell in such a weird way….like oooh I have a secret code muhahaha
Amen! And why do we pay out the wazoo for internet security programs that don’t catch it!
i’ve never tried spam. it’s kind of one of those things you should do before you die…
may your inbox be full of email worth reading!
You are funny, but nothing makes Mugabe funny, not even your funny caption. He just looks, unfunny.
I am anal retentive so I clean my email inbox and computer desktop like nobody’s business. Reading this makes my eye twitch.
It’s a known fact that if you EAT and READ spam at the same time, you’ll go back in time…
I like how you equate emails to cigarettes.
Seriously i go red whenever my friends send me porn through email. Like hello..mail porn?
First time stopping by and glad I did…this is too funny, yet ironically so true!
this is what i love about gmail and mac mail. no spam.
Does anyone buy Viagra from those emails?
nice post and a gloriously scary photo of mugabe to top it off.
P.
Spam … the secret ingredient is humans…