Last Friday was an uneventful day, much like Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday and Monday. It would be fair to say that it was an uneventful week. Come to think of it, if my life flashed before my eyes much of it would be me passing wind at a desk and waving a folder about to dissipate the funk. Of course, a slow week is no reason not to ridicule cubicle life. All the more so.
For some reason my colleagues keep procreating and, every once in a while, they want to show me what fell out of them. On Friday afternoon one of my more fertile colleagues decided to wheel around what can best be described as their baby. I’m not convinced it was a baby. To me it looked like a cantaloupe that had learned to cry. Either that or I have grown up since I last watched ET and ET is smaller than I remember.
As a side note, given that ET does look like a child, I would have thought he would have taken more care choosing who to hang out with.
I’ll admit I am somewhat jealous of babies though, what with their whole lives ahead of them and all. Actually, what really bothers me about babies is that they can belch and pass gas and everyone finds it adorable. If I soil my pants three times a day apparently that’s a reason to end a relationship.
Whenever someone brings around a pugdy little flatus-maker flocks of broody colleagues abandon their desks to coo and whimper. Everyone loses their ability to have an adult conversation and starts talking in infant tongues. It sounds like a group of people having a conversation while their dental anesthetic wears off. Clearly broodiness is not in my nature.
Anyone that has children is more than welcome to start a blog to share their joy. Indeed, many of you have. A blog is an appropriate place for to show the world your baby photos. An office is not an appropriate place to show the world your baby photos, especially if your baby is with you at the time. I know what he looks like, he’s right in front of me dribbling on himself.
Maybe its just me but I don’t think a ruptured condom is an excuse to brag 9 months later. You don’t hear me bragging about chlamydia. You don’t hear cocaine smugglers swapping overdose stories.
Furthermore, there are only so many things I can think to say about your baby. Its small and chubby because the job description of “baby” requires those two qualities. That’s about it. There’s only so many things you can say about a person who lacks basic linguistic and motor skills. So the next time someone brings the twigs of their evolutionary tree into the office don’t be surprised if you hear any of the following:
- Someone’s very cute and someone isn’t, but that’s genetics for you.
- Look! It mouthed something that could be misconstrued as words. Clearly this is an exceptional child. Someone call Harvard!
- She does have a big head; I bet she’s smart. I can’t imagine what she did to your birth canal.
- Dave, you always bragged that a baby could do your job. She’ll be replacing you from Monday.
- …and anything else about a change in recruiting policy.
I suppose there is something more awkward than an infant in the office: a young teenager in the office. The only reason to have a 14 year old in the office is because you work from home, yet I’ve seen the odd teenager shadowing a manager. When I say the odd teenager I mean it was one teenager and he was odd. At least with babies you don’t have to try and explain what’s going on. The manager relished the opportunity to romanticize office life. Having an impressionable mind nearby is no place for the truth.
“Sir, what do you call them staff?”
“Ah, dear boy, that’s what I beat them with if they aren’t working.”
;)
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I agree that newborns are not very cute, except to the parents. They do all pretty much look alike. They should not be in an office.
Your comparisons are funny though!
AND we childless types are expected to cover when the parents have to leave because baby has spit up. Cause it’s not like WE have lives outside the office. No, we live to cover for the reproducers.
You’re right… I like it!
As usual, very funny! I love it!
It’s true, newborn babies are underdeveloped, wrinkly little humans with a screwed up body:head ration. Not sure where that translates in the brain to cute but hey… that’s evolution for you
. But Hey, I’m 15 and I go to my Mom’s office 
… oh yeh I’m not odd though…
and I meant ‘ratio’ jeez b4 ppl start criticising me and mistaking me for an american kid….oops… sorry guys, it’s true
Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode. “Yep, that’s a baby.”
I like babies. I think they’re both fun and funny. But forget about me, you guys are missing the point. Babies are a socially sanctioned way of skiving off from work! Don’t be idiots about this–use it, people!
GAH! This was funny! Especially the comment about your colleagues procreating and showing you what fell out! Love your humor!
That was a hoot! I’m not excited about babies unless they are blood relatives.
I am a proud father…but completely agree that newborns are pretty useless and ugly unless you sired them. Then, behold the messiah with Einstein’s brain and Mozart’s gifts. Fellow parents ask one another about their children just to give themselves an excuse to brag about their own. I try to limit my baby talk in the office to people I’m friends with outside of work, whose kids play with my kid. If my single coworkers ask out of politeness how the family is doing I can literally see the terror in their eyes if anything but “great, thanks” comes out of mine or another parent’s mouth.
When I was in college, a girl brought her “baby” to church one morning. I was all prepared for the ooh’s and ah’s but when I saw it, my jaw dropped. It was hideous. It’s head was huge and shaped like an elephant. It had one tooth. I wasn’t prepared. I was expecting infant wrinklies but this was well beyond that. EEEEEKK!
Very funny post, as usual!
Oh, I completely agree with you on this point. I was thinking about this the other day. It seems every other week my colleague (who is new to the company, mind you), keeps traipsing his teenagers around the office, introducing them to everyone. I don’t care that you son, Binky, got a college scholarship to some 5th-Tier university and will be studying Farm Management. And that he was the President of his high school’s Future Farmers of America club.
And it must be said, sometimes there is cause to NOT say to someone the phrase, “You have such a beautiful family”. Because…damn.
That was too funny. I am a parent but I remember working in a place where they discourage bringing babies and children in. Yet whenever someone had a new baby they would bring them in and empty out the offices and cubicles to stand around a look a this child like a scene from Children of Men. I had one director who never ever left her office even if someone stepped into the door to tell her that her staffer who has been on maternity leave is here with the baby. She would smile slightly and then turn back to her computer. Me, it could have been a hairlesss monkey wrapped ina a blanket. I take every second of distraction from office work given to me. Babies can be good for at least 15 minutes of work stoppage. Anyway I love babies.
“Apparently that’s a reason to end the relationship . . .”
Hilarious line.
I had a girl bring a photo of her dead fetus to show everyone…and she was very happy about it. I was freaked out by the whole thing but everyone else was going along with it.
What about the co-workers who give you play-by-plays of the “cute” things their kids said or did the night before…EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And then you have to hear it 10 more times as they tell everyone else who will listen. That is one thing I do not miss about working in an office!
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
I feel the same way about babies in the workplace. Some of the units in our company were forever losing workers to maternity leave. I was smart…my unit consists of 5 post-menapausel women!!
I adore babies but I see what you mean. I’m still laughing about it, in fact.
Jai
When our son was a baby, actually even now that he is 12, my husband showed anyone who would ask how he is doing all the pictures he has of him on his computer, ipod, and cell.
In fact, our son had a private office at the firm where he would come hang out after school. His title was CFO (chief fun officer), but he was creating too much fun and had to take early retirement. He threatens to return once he has grown up and is able to sit at his desk looking at the screen without wanting to run around screaming do you want to play on the escalator, shoot whatever you printed in the garbage, are we having fun yet???
We are awash with babies and impending babies. I have never had the urge to add to them. The conversation is entirely dominated by feeding and teething tales.
Okay, that’s funny. I do like to make fun of people who start doing the baby talk or freaking out over a baby. I work with all men so we don’t get too many brought into work. And god bless them if they do it’s more of a “look what I made” kind of show and tell, at which point we all point out how the poor kid got his dad’s ugly ears.
What’s up funny? Love it!
I would never bore people with pictures of my child, I find that what really keeps their interest is talking about my child’s bowel movements. Good times.
Thanks for your email and for becoming a follower. I’m following you too now. I love your blog!
Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog!
Here’s how I deal with ugly babies and there are a lot of the uglies in my town, (must be in the water). I use the phrase, “How sweet.” It covers the bases without lying.
Great post.
How on earth did I miss this! Love it! Love it! Love it! (From one who nicknamed her grandchildren “no necks”.
As a working mother, I have learned to never ever volunteer updates about my children unless I want to be seen as “unprofessional”. Of course, if I were a man, I’m sure I’d felt differently.
HAHAHA!! I swear to goodness you follow me and write about what happens in my workplace. Does it not freak you out that for every situation at the office, there are a thousand other offices doing and saying the exact same things??
Yeesh. Sorry. Got a little deep there.
This post made me laugh! And cringe too. See the above question.
Does this mean that you do not want to see a picture of my kids!? I was laughing during the whole post!! I will think about it next time I bring out the baby photo album
I loved this post! At least you met the baby-I would usually find some reason to be anywhere else but there…
Hi , Thanks for following my blog and for your kind comment, I love your blog and now I am a follower!.
‘like a cantaloupe that had learned to cry’, I shall folow your blog for that phrase alone. Wonderful – and soooooo true!
When my partner went down to his studio the other day (because his cool like that, as in, too cool to be an office schmuck) he
set up his laptop to show someone pics of The Boy (because he’s a loser like that)
Ahhh the joys of parenthood. I’m a fan of kids. My own mostly. Everyone else’s kids irritate the piss out of me.
I still don’t like other people’s kids. If someone asks me to hold there baby I think/sometimes say, HOLD YOUR OWN BABY. That’s what it’s for.
I guess I’m lucky. I work in a chemical plant, so no babies or teens allowed in. That and I work with mostly older men.
Love your post! Thanks for the follow. I’m following you too now:)
This is why I only bring other kids to work with me.
Bring your kid to work day…kidnapping…poTAto..poTAHto.
Funny post! Love it!
Ha, love it, so glad you found me too !!
OK I’m here – crying canteloupes – love it!
I’m still waiting for motherly instincts to develop, the eldest is 30 and I’ve still got the post natal depression! As for other peoples babies – sorry – but shudder
The first comment my daddy made when he saw me was, “we’ll look there she’s a farmer already, she’s milkin’ and spreadin’ manure!” Guess he was right, I’ve spent over 37 years here on the Ozarks Ponderosa!!!
)
God bless ya and have a fantastic week!
So funny! Honestly, I haven’t seen a wee baby for so long. My nephews and nieces are all past the age of 10. And I work at home so I am not subjected to “sightings”. Really tho, most bablies are very cute!
Doesn’t ET look a lot like Brad Pitt in that horrid Benjamin Button movie? Or is it Brad Pitt looking a lot like ET???
Oh, I feel the same way. I shy away from beings that leak a lot, but mostly that’s because I tend to be too competitive.
LOL Best post ever!
I’m at work reading this and mentally laughing so hard I would crack a rib if it was out-loud. Just found your blog and instantly found a new favourite.
This is so funny. I bet you like babies really.
Hi there! Finally making my way over to your blog and I must say that I am SO glad I did. Now I know not to bring my drooling cantalope into the office when I return back to work. Thank God I read your blog first. And about soiling yourself…just so’s you know, I wouldn’t find that offensive AT all. Since joining the ranks of motherhood I am now used to spending 90% of my time with people who crap themselves regularly and expect me to clean up after them. I think we could be friends. Good friends even. Want to see a picture of my baby?
I was near UCLA Medical Center the day after Michael Jackson died. It was rather sad considering I’d grown up with the influence of his music and television/video performance from very young.
I’ve been told by many that I make beautiful babies…but I didn;t care what they said. I was totally spent and happy to have them out. God plays a dirty trick on us. SHE makes us forget how painful it was …then we get pregnant again…and happy to be.
Thanks for the invite honey. I’ll be back .
That’s so fucking true!
I HATE it when people throw their kids in my face and want me to shower them with praise.
“No, he’s ugly and he’s going to be a dip-shit like his father.” How’s that for you fucker?
I HATE blogs about kids. Kill me now. I’d rather watch the Food Network for 9 hours straight while not being aloud to eat ANYTHING!
I added your button to my blog!
I especially hate it when these small babies become big babies and have to sell …oh i dunno a gazillion scout cookies and other knick knacks…and I have to shell out money for overpriced fajita trays.
HA! I love it. One time I stopped by my nastiest sister’s office and she had photos of some baby on her desk. I said, “Oh my God – what an ugly baby. Whose is he?” She said, “He’s your great-nephew.” I still refuse to believe I’m related to such an ugly child, considering my stunning good looks and sex appeal. Babies look like Winston Churchill? What an insult to Sir Winston! Some babies, the ones I love, are quite adorable, but lots of them look as if they’ve been chasing parked cars.
Love,
Dumped First Wife
To bring a pet dog to office seems to be the answer and to encourage him to relieve himself in the cubicles of all those who bring their children to office.
People who have babies fall into two camps. The ones that think they’re the first people to ever have a baby, and the other camp that realizes they might have “bitten” off a bit more than they can chew.
Which camp do you think brings their babies to work?
As a mother of two, I can attest to the fact that baby talkin’ people can be annoying, as more often than not it’s friends and strangers who baby talk – not the parents.
However!
What’s even more annoying than baby talkin’ big people are people who treat cats and dogs like children. A dog? Well..I *might* be able to see how that’s accomplished, taking into consideration the loyalty factors of pooches. But a cat? Really? Cats are the most scheming, selfish creatures on the planet. I mean, you feed a cat, nurture a cat, treat it like a person, etc. But if you’re unfortunate enough to die alone in your dwelling, well..you know what the cat does? It’s eats you! Fuggin’ nasty little beasts.