I’m used to being passed over for promotion by my peers and even my juniors but today took the biscuit (and then made it part of a packed lunch). Today was ridiculous enough to convince me of a higher being, who not only has a questionable sense of humor but who is spending the eighth day of creation poking me in the ribs. They interviewed a candidate for a position above mine who was a Schmuck. Literally, his name was Schmuck.
Apparently Mr. Schmuck pronounces his name Schmook, like the German word for jewelry. I’m not falling for it; the man is a Schmuck on paper. I can’t get a promotion and they’re interviewing a Schmuck. Not only that but Mr. Schmuck doesn’t have a job right now: he’s a poor Schmuck!
And then came the epiphany: I’m even lower in the company pecking order than a poor Schmuck.
What does that make me? A blogger I suppose. What would happen if my boss were a Schmuck? How would I feel about working for a Schmuck? If I hand in a deliverable late do I get told off by a Schmuck? Please no.
I was in two minds about whether to even publish this post. What if someone traced the Schmuck back to me? How many Schmucks can there be in the world? Just think of the scandal if it was discovered that I’m actually CEO of Exxon / Fidel Castro / the guy who invented singing birthday cards. What if all my readers suddenly discovered that I am not, as I so often claim, a disgruntled desk-monkey trapped in the corporation from Purgatory, who is fighting the machine and inflicting no damage in the process?
But hold on, maybe there are other Schmucks out there: engineers, consultants, bankers! I bet there’s a lot of Schmucks in banking. I needn’t have worried. There are a lot of Schmucks in banking. A quick check on Linkedin and there’s at least 404 Schmucks in the workforce. At any one time there could be a hundred Schmucks looking for work. Don’t even ask how many Schmucks there are on Facebook (about 2,300; thanks for asking). We’re practically being overrun by Schmucks.
So why not celebrate all the hard-working Schmucks in the world who are handling our taxes, managing offices, underwriting our insurance and who knows what else? Why not indeed. So on this week’s Workforce I have picked my top five Schmucks. I’ll count it down like a radio pop chart:
Don Joe’s Top 5 Schmucks
5. Our number five Schmuck this week is Jonathon Schmuck, a glass artist in California. Honestly, that is one talented Schmuck. It appears that he doesn’t use glass blowing techniques. You heard it here first, not all Schmucks blow.
4. At number four we have Roman Schmuck, a Tax Advisor in Germany. I want to meet Roman Schmuck and shake his hand. I would much rather shake hands with Roman Schmuck before I die than swim with dolphins. I’d ask him if he’d ever been to a fancy dress party dressed as Brutus. Ah Roman Schmuck, come in, I see you’ve dressed as a Roman schmuck. Priceless.
3. Taking the number three spot is Ashley Schmuck, an Office Manager near St. Louis. Someone, somewhere, really is being managed by A. Schmuck. It just goes to show, you don’t have to be A. Schmuck to get on in business but sometimes it helps.
2. At number two who else but Bob Schmuck, Director of Safety at Overland Park Regional Medical Center. That’s right, there’s a Schmuck in charge of medical safety. Lives depend on this Schmuck. Bob Schmuck, I salute you.
1. And the coolest Schmuck of them all goes to Frank Schmuck, 2008 candidate for Arizona legislator. His list of achievements is quite something. I’d have no problem voting for this Schmuck. I’d do it just for the “I vote Schmuck” badge.
;)
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I say – Tell em “Go Schmuck yourself”.
Great write.
Oh the loss of status to someone with a dumb name…
I’d wear Franks’s button too. I checked out the glass artist and he is a Schmuck with some talent!
I’m surprised they’re not ALL politicians. Weird.
Also, where’s the Dr. Schmucks….? I know I’ve met a Schmuck at the Dr…
Can it be traced back to that one jam company, Schmuckers?
Great write, Workforced. and it’s okay to write a pissed off rant post, just keep up the Schmuchy camoufluage!
There are just too many schmuks in the world!
Yeesh…I hope you never do a rant on Alice in Wonderland. I can only imagine where that would lead.
Loved it! I’d vote for Schmuck, too! With a name like that, you KNOW the guy must have to work way harder than ALL the guys with normal names!!
Sorry to hear the problems… I’ll trade your schmuck for the schmucks I work with… sigh…
lol – This was terrific. And I hope you don’t end up working for a schmuck.
I think we are all schmucks, working as we do to keep the banks happy when all the time all we want to do is keep ourselves happy.
Stop being a schmuck for one day, take the day off and do something that will make you happy, lets declare a national schmuck free day. (something like a bank holiday.) You know what I mean. God bless all the schmucks in the world today.
Hilarious!
Have a Schmuckless day!
I work for a guy with the last name of Woodhead.
Yes. I work under a woodhead.
I feel like such a whore.
How about that. I have met Jonathon Schmuck the glass artist.
Fabulous…you are brilliant at mixing words with real feelings and seasoning it with humor. Unlike some of us who put the brick on the wood and wonder why ceramic glue doesn’t work. You’re an inspiration!!
ha that’s great, i wonder if you get a chip on your shoulder being a schmuck for your whole life
Don’t we all really work for schmucks anyway? Don’t try to fight it. It’s schmuckevitable.
I remember being in a store in Manhattan where these two middle aged men appeared to be in an argument. The first one said to the other “You’re a Schmuck!” The second man just looked at him. Now I can’t work out if they were arguing, or the first fella was simply announcing the seconds surname.
I loved this! Great blog, thanks for stopping by mine. Following you now too
inbugsdrawers.blogspot.com
Thats actually a funny, strange little word..
Oh boy! I never realized that it was an actual name!! LOL!!
ah I’d be slightly irritated and then end up busting out laughing at the irony of the whole situation.
We had a guy run in our town for a board position about two years ago and he’s full name I kid you not.. was Rip Van Winkle.
Reading this cracked me up! You have a way of relating your feelings that is so understandable.
Poor Schmuck.
Jai
That is just too FUNNY!!
Smuckers jams and jelly made me a lot of money , when I held some of their stock…. but I always wondered what they called Mom- Mother Smucker?
I did a quick google search and found only those you found. I’ll bet the other poor Schmucks must have changed their name. Funny thing about names, they can change it, but in the end they’ll still be a Schmuck.
Everyone should know a schmuck. Even if the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Hahaha. Very funny. I think my husband must work for a Schmuck.
You must think pretty highly of the Schmucks you hang around with if you can’t find a place for the Baltimore Sun’s Peter Schmuck Oh, if he only has a brother named Richard.
================
Detectives Beyond Borders
“Because Murder Is More Fun Away From Home”
http://detectivesbeyondborders.blogspot.com/
Schmuck: from Yiddish shmok (vulgar), but also…
penis (of uncert. orig.)
You might be onto something here, me ol’ mucker, although as you can aver from the latter definition above, the penis is of uncertain origin. Namely, there’s a Dick in the run!
Greetings from London.
This was hilarious, yet so sad. At least you’re not any different than the rest of the intelligent populace. You’re being superceded, supervised, and soon to be undermined by a Schmuck. Let’s hope this Schmuck doesn’t know enough information to be dangerous.
As the schmucks of the world! What would we do without them?
Beside’s function in a normal, lovely society I mean.
#2 is hysterical (& may explain some of our problems with the medical industry…)
I didn’t realize how many shmucks there ae in the world.! LOL!
I am under cover as well. Cannot let work find out about my blogging activities. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed… esp. that Mr. Schmook does not get the job! It would be very very hard to not snicker whenever you say his name.
This was funny.
I used to work for a SHMUKETTE
you’re killing me!!! i almost choked on my sandwich as water burst from my mouth onto my computer screen. i could go on…but i’m going to save myself some embarrasement here…
HI there thanks for the drop in.. I appreciate the follow nad am returning the favor. Ha I am loving this post.. I know several schmucks they just don’t carry the name .
Hey – Thanks for the follow! I know some Smucks in the next town that kept their Santa and sleigh on top of their garage roof ALL last summer. We’ve renamed them Schmucks.. because I think they’re mis-spelling it…
Too funny. I also laugh when I go past businesses with the name Swindler. Would I really buy flowers from them? Or should I guard my credit card number?
Thanks for follwing, nice to meet you!
I love all the Schmucks!
Hello There…Ok, Ok, so your funny….I hope Mr Schmuck thinks so as well…I am lucky that I dont work for a Schmuck..I don’t think I would last…Especially because Schmuck rhymes with F- – - . and I would definitely be over indulging in that rhyme time…for some reason I liked A Schmuck the best…Just Sayin…EnJoY YoUr DaY..!
Very funny. So glad I am not a Schmuck or even A. Schmuck. Thank you, you made me laugh.
I came over here to check out my latest follwers block, and about died laughing from the thought of working for A. Schmuck.
Instant favorite blog!
*waves* It is me!!
lol
Not the chap at the train station following you!
Dude, that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! Finally the long overdue tribute to Schmucks! I loved it! Superb job!
None of the Schmucks on LinkedIn seem to have more than 1 connection. The Glass Blower or whatever Schmuck has a book published by ‘Warm Glass’, which has a domain name that expired on March 2.
The readers are expected to be…er…Schmucks?
Love it – hilarious! I think I’m really going to enjoy your writing. You are quite clever, my dear.
Love,
Dumped First Schmuck
Been catching up on your posts and whereas most of them make me laugh anyway, this one is something special. Something about that word Schmuck. I haven’t heard it get used in England too much. Every time it gets repeated here, it’s like another feather gets added to the tickling frenzy of your whole blog. I fucking love you mate.
Hahaha this is hilarious.
I am actually married to your #3 Schmuck… I married A. Schmuck… and now she is A. Pickett…
But the owner of her company is also named Schmuck… so there are about 12 people working for a Schmuck.
Good stuff.
Take care,
Adam
Ha ha I just had to leave a comment.
Chris Schmuck