The handshake is one of the few occasions where touch is sanctioned in our sanitized offices so we give it an enormous amount of significance. One major accountancy firm goes as far as giving new recruits handshake lessons as part of their induction training. I think you can tell more about a person by what they’re passionate about. If they’re passionate about handshakes you wouldn’t hang out with them.
It’s as if the future of your working relationship is channeled through the grip of a sweaty palm. This is nothing new if you’re a palm reader. Why not go one step further? There are also forms of divination that look at sheep’s entrails. Too far? Perhaps using sheep parts to see into the future is not so far fetched. A bank rejected me for a loan because of a lamb gravy stain on my shirt; I should have seen it coming.
A limp handshake is interpreted either as a weak personality or carpal tunnel. It’s like a trip to the urinal: everyone notices the drip because he didn’t shake properly. You neither want to be as floppy as the Viagra placebo trials nor as hard as justifying foreign policy under the Bush administration (ooh, political). Think of a handshake like a British nanny: reach, grip, shake, release.
Illustration by the awesome Sam Szulc.
Given we work with more international offices and some nations are more tactile than others, you may be expected to hug a colleague here and there. You may even have to kiss a couple of cheeks to further your career (not just buttocks). The rule of thumb for foreign countries is that you follow your local compatriots. That way you won’t be seen as cold by the Italians nor shot in North Korea. Boy was I wrong to travel to North Korea with a party of Italians.
Every gesture is scrutinized at one point or another. Your colleagues will be well aware that you wave like the Queen of England or with the enthusiasm of a circus clown. Take note of how your body language and gestures are interpreted. For example, a slight grin works well when offering to make your schedule flexible but not when you’re telling someone they’re incompetent. Similarly, Jedi mind tricks work well on Storm Troopers but not on Sith Lords.
Practice a gesture or two but don’t go too far; if you’re standing in front of a mirror telling yourself “I’m a lion, I’m a business lion. I have a great business mane and I live in the business Serengeti” then you’ve gone too far. Far better to encourage your colleagues to practice their body language, video-tape them and blackmail them at later stages of their careers.
As well as showing the right body language you have to hide the wrong body language, for example cackling like a tickled witch every time a colleague mentions low hanging fruit. I barely held it together when a manager apologized for canceling a meeting, saying “I’m not trying to blow you off.” My immediate thought (“That’s difficult in trousers”) wouldn’t have helped my career. Instead I told her I was sure the last thing she wanted to do was blow me off. We live in hope.
Of course, if you become popular round the office you’ll need to stop people from talking to you when you’re trying to work or pay your bills online. When someone you don’t want to speak to stops near your cubicle you’re meant to keep your torso facing the screen, with your eyes mostly forward and your hands hovering above your keyboard. We were taught this at a course. Tosh. I suggest that you roll your eyes to the back of your head and say their name backwards until they disappear. It works every time. You could also keep a voodoo doll by your screen and when they refuse to leave ask for a lock of their hair.
About the Illustrator
Sam Szulc is not only a very talented illustrator but also a snappy dresser and a thoroughly nice chap. You can see more of his work on his website and you can also follow him on his blog.
;)
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I prefer the “slowly turn chair back towards screen, continue rotating, then start lowering the chair as you go”. Works great, confuses the hell out of ‘em, especially if you’re actually still having a serious conversation with them.
You forgot to mention… while shaking, never think about where those hands have been, or what they may have touched. It really helps not to think about those kind of things.
Oh. My. GOSH! “I’m a lion, I’m a business lion. I have a great business mane and I live in the business Serengeti” had me cackling. My husband thinks I’m completely insane now, but that’s okay. HE chose to marry me; no backs!
When someone stops at my cubicle whom I don’t want to speak too, namely my boss, I do the torso facing the screen hands hovered above the keyboard thing. I didn’t know that was some kind of technical pose. Look at me with my badass body language!
I can’t help myself, I DO judge by handshakes!!!
Does that make me evil?
I do believe my favorite hand gesture would definitely have to be number six! Disagreement my ass! Fuck you, and your dumbfuck ideas is more like it.
Guess it’s a good thing I’ve been a stay at home Trophy Wife for the last 3 years.
I was always told that if you shake hands like a little bitch that meant you were a pussy.
The hubby says your supposed to get a firm grip and pump up and down… Oh, shit wait… maybe that was for something else!
I dont like going first
There, thats better.
I don’t have as much office experience as I do retail, and thought it might be useful to let you know in the retail world it is wise to refrain from smiling at customers should they take that to mean you are willing to be of assistance. I’m pretty sure this advice is sound the whole world over and does not requirement any international adjustments. It goes without saying that hand shaking, for the same reason, is a big no, no
I love the voodoo doll paragraph and staring at the screen in avoidance of the dumbass who can’t take a hint.
This is a great blog, glad we hooked up.
I work with the guy that squeezes too hard in an effort to intimidate people. Ass!
What do you do if the torso turned to the screen and still typing while you glance at them impatiently does not work?
Interesting.
I don’t see the ‘turn and grab crotch’ symbol here.
Weird.
I once shook hands with the Bishop of Southwark (trufax) and it was like grabbing a ten day-old cod that had pissed itself. @Crazy Brunette – no, no, that’s not the right technique – here let me show you….
figure number two would make me feel dirty.
Luckily the raised flooring where I work makes little noises when people walk on it so I hear people coming a good 4-5 seconds before they get to my cubicle. I am ALWAYS busy in a complicated and frustrating looking project by the time they get a view of me and my screen.
Also, if you eat lunch at your desk you can start at around 11 and leave a few last bits of food on your desk until about 1, a lot of people will be more hesitant to disturb you if they think you are having your lunch.
Wearing a dust mask and coughing a lot can help too.
My vote goes to number 6 as well!
Your blog gets me through the work week. You should write a book.
I love you!
This is very funny…nice to see you are back on full form this week.
Love the voodoo doll.lol I actually already perform those actions when I receive unwanted company at my desk. If I must make eye contact, I limit it to a brief squinty look. They get the idea and move on.
Hello there,
This was fuuny and it is true that handshakes are judged on what type of person you are. Strong hand shake = confident, I can see the point but at the same time what am I thinking about before shaking your hand.
Thinking: Where has your hands been
Seen you in the bathroom and you did not wash them
Did you dig a weggie out
Is your hands sweaty
I don’t think you can judge a persons character always from a hand shake : )!
A strong handshake doesn’t mean you have a strong personality. It merely means you want people to THINK you have a strong personality.
Love the illustration! And of course, fig. 6 is the best.
Ever since I learned what body gestures say about what you are actually thinking, I have learned to cross my arms ON PURPOSE when I want the person to know that I am not buying what they are saying, and to take the “open stance” when I want to fake the other person out. And then of course, we can get into the whole Vizzini discussion over the battle of wits in The Princess Bride…
I must confess that I totally judge on the handshake. I’m not a fan of the salmon handshake… nor the dude that is trying to break my hand. It’s not rocket science, it’s a handshake… it can’t be that difficult.
The voo doo doll is priceless!!!
Roll your eyes in the back of your head and say their name backwards. Hahahahah! That is priceless and I will be sure to use it.
I wonder if you would be overlooked if you claimed to have Howie Mandel syndrome and you cannot shake hands? Instead you bump hands, giving props? I might try this to. Screw all this office hand holding.
Fig. 6 is my favorite one to use.
I don’t really find myself in situations where I have to shake hands that much. I think I’m going to have to practice on my teddy bear instead, I value his feedback.
hahahaha love your come back to the being blown off bit. Hilarious. I don’t like hand shakes really…more of a hug person.
Nobody is taught how to shake hands anymore, it’s become one of those antiquated eccentricities like manners, good spelling and grammar, respect for your elders, I could go on and on, but I’m starting to sound like my mother
Hi Nice to meet you. You are funny, and have an interesting blog. I’ll be back.
i gave you a sunshine award.
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what what.
Hello!
Thanks for stopping by my blog and for FOLLOWING it!
I’m here to follow you along as well…keep calm and carry on.
Hi Don, thank you so much for stopping by my blog! I will absolutely follow you. I love workplace humor. Have you ever done anything on workplace acronyms. We have them at my place of employment by the butt load.
Thanks for this great and for following mine! I can’t wait to read more of your funny stories. Over here in Europe office “rules” are different, but they still have the same annoying red tape and odd ways for “judging” the coworkers.
Until two or perhaps three years ago, the news-presenters on BBC World Service TV used to go about doing their jobs almost without making any hand-gestures, but then they started to follow the Americans perhaps and now most can be seen holding an imaginary basket-ball and shaking it while reporting from almost anywhere in the world. At times, they seem to bounce the imaginary ball off the ground, as well.
Here on the farm we also have our unwritten rules of office behavior. Of course there is really no office but… Personal distance is kind of a big deal. Most farmers have a good three foot personal distance. Some farmers measure that in meters but is the USA we think those folks are commies and don’t talk to them. One old farmer tends get closer and closer as he talks. You keep backing up as he often has egg on his lips and huge globs of snot in his nose. He is pretty much deaf so while this is annoying it is understandable. The other farmer who violated folks personal distance turned out to also be the sort that violates little boys so people kind of a avoid shaking his hand.
Farmers who are way too enthusiastic about shaking hands are also suspect. Those who shake your hand and also pat you on the back are not to be trusted unless they are your uncle from another state. There is a retired fellow from California who comes up and farms in the summer. He is way too enthusiastic, cause he is having a good time. When you are not having that much fun, say when it is 102 degrees in the shade and you’ve busted your knuckles and the combine is plugged from stem to stern, and you are having problems with anger management, someone being very enthusiastic and suggesting simplistic solutions you’ve already tried, then giving you a pat on the back and a hand shake, is not so welcome. (that was a long sentence) He also drools when he talks. Long strings of drool, and he likes to ride with you. This is bad when there is a wind on an open tractor.
We just hide from him….
um, sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your post. Good post, very funny!
I’m always confused when people go for the pound. I’m thrown off guard and it’s this strange awkward exchange till someone starts a conversation or leaves.
http://senseofstyleiseternal.blogspot.com/
I can’t stand a cold fish handshake. I’ve gotten it from women AND men. *shudder*
As for hand gestures…as soon as I learned that ’steepling’ your fingers unconsciously projects confidence to the people around you, I started doing that any time I feel I have the lower hand. If nothing else, it makes me feel better and so That probably projects confidence too
Don’t you wish that instead of shaking hands we did the concentration thing…but to each other.
Like every time you meet someone you are required to match your finger tips up to theirs as a greeting.
Wow. I think I drank too much last night.
OMG! These are classics. I have gotten the ‘limp fish’ or rather ‘limp
d!ck’ handshake more than a few times. Leaves you wondering what else they lack the ability to take control of in their life?
I may be in the search for a Voo Doo doll for my desk. You know, to go next to my broom. The same broom you can use to either fly off with or sweep up their ashes after casting a spell on them, causing their evaporation into dust.
I’m loving the blog! Thanks for the invite. I will be adding it to mine and sending more folks your way.
I try not to judge on the handshakes, but it is an interesting beginning. The strength of character, etc, as well as if someone tries to dominate by putting the hand out with the palm facing down, forcing the other person’s palm up and into a more submissive role.
Thanks for invitation to visit your blog and following mine.
I judge people’s handshakes as well. I hate the “dead fish” shake from both men and women. To me that equals no backbone. I’m glad I don’t actually have to shake hands with any of my colleagues, since there are quite a few who I know for a fact don’t wash their hands. Eew. That’s worse than dead fish.
I like to do the Chicano handshake with everyone so they know I’m down. It’s a four part handshake that says:
1 – I’M NOT UNDER YOU
2 – I’M NOT ABOVE YOU
3 – I’M WITH YOU
4 – SOMOS CHICANOS!!!
Most people I do it with are not Chicanos so they just think I’m weird.