On the ladder of life experiences office conversations are like slipping down a rung and hitting your chin. I have lost days listening to uncomfortable conversations fill the uncomfortable silences. Can’t we just admit that we have less in common with each other than we do with chimpanzees? At least if I hang out with a chimpanzee neither of us feels obliged to talk about lunch. Chimps never ask each other what they had for lunch, they already know.
There’s menial conversation by the coffee machine, there’s menial conversation in the lift, there’s menial conversation in the toilet; in fact there’s menial conversation everywhere where you have to spend more than five seconds next to anyone you work with.
A simple fact of office life is that you’ll spend a lot of time around people with whom you have no idea how to have a conversation. What the hell is scrap-booking and why would anyone spend time doing that? OK, so there are small paper bows? That hasn’t upped the appeal if I’m being honest. Wait, I think I read about this in “Men are from Mars, Women are Mental.” Sorry Mom; I will grow up one day.
Its because there’s so little to talk about that we have to spend so long talking about nothing. If anything even begins to register above pond life on the cultural scale it will instantly become the hottest office gossip and spread like McDonald’s toilet paper. I should be paid to write this.
I have taken the liberty of compiling my list of “Top 10 Menial Conversations” so you can fill your silences with a broader spectrum of nothings.
Top Ten Menial Conversations
1. Talk about how busy you are, how you have deadlines and how you expect to be busy for the foreseeable future. Sympathize with your colleague when they tell you that they too are busy, have deadlines and expect to be busy for the foreseeable future. Also say “I hear you” if someone in the office yawns or sighs.
2. Talk about how unfair it is that you work for five days and only have two days on the weekend off. Propose that you should all just work four-day weeks and have three-day weekends. Laugh about this, then go back to work. If you work in an investment bank you should look up “Weekends” on Wikipedia, if you have time.
3. Talk about which day of the week it is, framed in reference to the two-day weekend. In the first half of the week tell everyone how much you miss last weekend. In the second half of the week tell everyone how much you’re looking forward to the next weekend. The days are: “How was your weekend?”, “Nearly half way through the week”, “Half way through the week” “Not long before the weekend” and “Here comes the weekend,” also known as jeans day.
4. Don’t you really struggle to get out of bed? Me too. It’s because my life is as mundane as the awards ceremony that the awards ceremony industry has each year, where they give various awards to different awards ceremonies. We can all bond whining over the snooze button, which was only installed because the ‘screw my life, I’m 30 and my childhood self would hate to see me now’ button was out of stock.
5. Muse on commuting by train, bus or being stuck in traffic. It’s a grumble when you get into the office and a fear as you leave, every day, for the rest of your working life.
6. Talk about the weather and how you hope it either stays like this or changes before the weekend.
7. Lunch: we all eat that and they serve it here. Why is lunch never long enough? Do we have to go back to work?
8. Isn’t the coffee bad? Don’t we all really dislike it? How many cups have you had today? Why not discuss this ad nauseum until upper management squanders your pension mahogany-lining their office curtains? You can even talk about coffee recipes, like adding lemon or gin. Make jokes about how you like women like your coffee? How is that exactly Simon, imported from poor countries?
9. Discuss your fears of the minor virus that is presently going around the office or the minor virus you have just passed on to everyone else in the office, you bastard.
10. Someone must have died, given birth, got married or been abducted by Scientologists. Why don’t we all pretend your new born baby isn’t a puffy little ET doppelganger?
The Workforced book is coming soon. Well, eventually.
;)
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I’d add blabbing about the weather to this list. It’s either too cold, too hot or too nice to be working.
Christopher – I would refer you to number (6) in the list of menial conversation topics!
This post was a riot! You reminded me how much I loathe menial conversation. And people think I’m unsociable because I don’t like to participate in it.
Makes me happy I don’t work in a cubicle asylum and only have to spend minimal time conversing with my co-workers that are stuck there.
I just get to muse about vomit, blood and occasionally feces during my day.
We always talked about working 2 days and having 5 off!
I hate all idle babble. mindless frickin drivel. Drives me nuts.
hey funny man, there is an award for you at my blog!
I use to like the guy in my office, No matter how the rain poured down.
He would say Rain this is not rain, when I was in ——
Hot this is not hot
Cold this is not cold, you get the idea
If I find myself inattentively engaged in work place menial conversation, I can always terminate it by (a) farting and walking away (b) saying I like Sarah Palin to someone I know hates her and/or (c) talking about how my pet rock, Seymour, spent a summer on the beach of Shirashi Island, at the Moooo! Bar, as something of a local celebrity.
Being retired, I no longer have to endure long conversations with people I detest. That’s one benefit I hadn’t thought of before I read this. Thanks for making my day.
Here are my office convo experiences that I find amusing:
The great conversation you have with the guys you never have conversations with, “morning, how are things..? (like you care)”. This is just being polite, when your best colleague (or call them your best friend, as you only breathe mon – fri unless there’s overtime on the other two days that seldom exist) who isn’t but works in the same office in another department so you can call them your colleague though you dont know what they do but you work for the same company. Then you think; by the way, what the hell is that persons name?
Or the conversation you have with everybody about everybody, when you act oblivious knowing everybody else is having the same conversation! “You know… Guess what suchandsuch did… You know what I heard…”. This is the case for me working in a department with people who everyday have a brown paper lunchbox have a big ‘M’ on it, and tell you how nice the food is!
That was a hilarious entry. Thanks for hitting me up on my blog. It was my pleasure to return the follow.
oh i know! i know! being retired is so much better. we now talk about canasta and mahjong at lunch. (ha ha ha)
smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoox
Too funny…..
luckily I am retired already, so I don’t need that workbook. ha…but I do recall the list you made of how it was in the corporate world.
With any luck, you will have 4 or 5 good genuine friends in that environment so you don’t have to have the surface fakeness of this kind of office surrounding you all the time!
Thanks for the reminder of why I’m glad I’m retired!
Sadly, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head, my dear!! I honestly think I have had ALL of the above discussions! Sigh!
Now, I’m depressed! But your silly pictures made me laugh, so I believe it’s a wash!
Thanks for the fun!
Oh how very true!
Ah ,I feel like a heel.
The above ‘ps’ may mean that was a false flirtation
in the VD mailbox , (which I am sorry to report was as empty as my checkbook ).Just one from our office ‘Earnest’ above (who isn’t), which reads like more idle and insincere ‘office chatter’.
Yet still…………
I visited your blog,laughed and bookmarked it,but sadly could not follow as a blog.
Afraid to Facebook,as I have offended the Transgendered CAIR cabal,or to ‘my space’ either since I have doubts about the security of my info at both sites.
If there were another way to follow you, I would.
Perhaps tho,after a ponder or two ,I might post a Preptile personal page there.Probably prefer the puppage as a ppublic ‘personna .
Just not so sure how this whole digital world works yet,or as a non Twitteratti type how deep to dive in.
Thanks for reading tho.
I will continue to consider ‘facing up’ to the world.
Since no one has ever heard of me it could help bring eyeballs,which are
nearly as tasty as BRAINS, and like noses nearly as much fun to pick.
Keep on chunkin them Champ.
I will be reading.
BTW,clicked that Copyright link and looked around.
It made a lot of sense.
Too funny! My job is in a library so we don’t have to go through ALL of the above conversations with each other. We actually spread the love to some of our patrons!
As I was reading this post I was talking with a friend that I almost dated. I swear that I am going to crib some notes from you to make our conversations flow.
Not kidding!
-r
I am soooo happy that I work at home. The only person I have to talk to is little ol’ me and not only am I endlessly fascinating, but I absolutely always agree with myself. Imagine that!
i think i’ve actually endured every single one of those conversations a hundred times!!!
Don’t forget the ‘this new detergent is making me itchy’ conversation.
Kills HOURS.
Glad you found me so I could find you..just took a quick peek at your blog..loving it! thanks for the invite..iam following you..off to browse! ~lulu
Thanks for the invite. Great Blog!
OMG – SO TRUE! Especially the one about how busy we all are…
Ugh.
Great post.
That´s so funny:)
Come and visit my Blog:)
http://fashioncupcake-sinchen.blogspot.com/
You are hilarious. Thank you for following my blog, too! It’s really fun here.
Hilarious! I’m still chuckling. Think I’ll have a banana for lunch today!
#3 is spot-on. Well done!
I would be the first in line to buy your book. I am finding that you are a bit of a genius my friend.
Also, did you compile some ground research for this piece by visiting my workplace? Because I think you did.
This is so accurate and so funny. I also appreciate working from home even more now.
Great post!!! How about ” How do you feel”
Can’t wait until next week….I am thinking about retiring …;0
Hi Don Joe,
Please come by my blog and pick up your red bow award.
love,
Herrad
I confess to being guilty of the weather and bad coffee conversations.
How true these 10 things ring! Oh and thanks for finding me! I think I love your blog… and I don’t know if I would have ever found it. Looking forward to reading more!
The “weekends” link was genius to include. Way to break it down for us, Wikipedia. I’m surprised they didn’t add anything about wild Saturday nights and hangover Sundays that tend to prelude consequently bloated Mondays.
Thanks for sending me your email with a link, I kinda needed to look at my Corporate America worklife through a filter. You’re a genius.
Hilarious! My favorites are #’s 4, 8, and 10. Love it!
Ha! #4 is totally my favorite. Yet it makes me a little sad too, is that wrong?
This is fabulous, I can’t wait to read more. My favorite blogs fall under 3 categories. A) Hilarious B) Hilarious and relevant C) Hilarious and irrelevant (obviously group A can’t decide).
Thanks for following me or I never would have found you! It’s like Christmas!
Thanks for dropping in, Don! This looks like fun and an impressive number of followers – kudos to you.
I can hardly type I’m laughing so hard. I don’t miss the office lingo one bit! So true, and why do they schedule outside events like picnics and holiday parties? I never wanted to hang out with the people I worked with. Thanks for joining my blog! I look forward to reading more of yours. And hey, it’s the weekend! Go do something fun.
It’s so sad that we all do that. There is this guy in my office who does all 10 of those all the time. I really feel bad for him for having such poor conversational skills, but I feel worse for myself for having to listen to the guy.
“On the ladder of life experiences office conversations are like slipping down a rung and hitting your chin.”
LMAO – this very first line had me giggling, and my coworkers asking me what was up. I have to admit though, I have a hard time relating to the rest of this post. I really enjoy my coworkers! No… really! LOL
I enjoyed the post very much though. You’re a really talented writer!
Our conversations are generally about higher matters. Or maybe that’s just the voices in our heads.
Hey … you’re following me? Is this because you *want* to learn more about scrap booking and the things that make women mental? Good. I’m bound to provide an infinite source of information on *that* subject.
Nice blog! I like your byline … or whatever in the heck you call it. You will find that I have no REAL writing education … I just enjoy blogging.
Wow. I TOTALLY can’t think with the TV going in the other room. This because it’s Pirates of the Caribbean and Captain Jack is too dang interesting. Wove hairs from his back into a rope to rope sea turtles? I’ve heard it twenty times already and it’s STILL interesting.
Add that to the list of things you can do at the office. Weave each other’s back hairs into INTERESTING items which you gift the boss with at Christmas. Make a set. Give it a “green” name. He’ll/She’ll cherish it forever and possibly EAT salad out of the little bowls… rambling on about how much his/her staff loves him/her …. as evidenced by this lovely back hair.
Hey … there’s bound to be at least ONE guy with enough back hair for the whole set of tumblers.
Waterproofing. That will be a WHOLE ‘nuther subject.
Nice to meet you!
Wendy a.k.a. Wendster
hello just dropping by…. have a great week…. my dad is coming back home…. care to view my recent post?
http://passionatestar92.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-first-pgs-graduates.html
Oh groan! You have captured them all.
Nothing’s worse than the “busy soccer weekend” with “a tournament out of state for little Johnny and another tournament simultaneously in some other distant city for little Susie.” Are you bragging or complaining?
Oh! And congrats on the Everyday Goddess award!
lol – So true! Especially the part of three day weekend, that one is a favourite in my company.
I gave you one of my weekly post of the week awards ~ stop by when you can!
~ Elise
Trouble is, when I try to be deep and meaningful instead of menial, people look at me weird and run away.
Thank you (but not really) for the trip down memory lane. I haven’t been in the workforce for the last five years, but I have a new appreciation for what passes for conversation at my house thanks your accurate depiction of cubicle blather.
At least my toddler doesn’t gripe about the coffee.
P.S. Excellent and hilarious post.
Good ones and Oh so true!!! The new generation, however, only texts… Friend’s daughter had 5-6 of her friends over for a sleep over, it was real quiet, she went to check and they were all sitting in the same room TEXTING EACH OTHER!!!
There’s a lot of humor, but sadly, also a lot of truth in what you say. I’m a bit embarassed to say that I’m actually quite good at useless conversation; it allows me to gradually discover which co-workers have minds beneath their hairpieces. Then I can gradually spend more time talking to them and less time with those who honestly care about the weather.
You managed to cover everything people ever talk about at work. I’m glad I’m retired.
I’m just thinkin’…….I’m missin’ all those chimpanzee commercials something awful!!!
Ya’ll have a glorious day from the hills and hollers of the Ozarks!
WorkForced,
Very insightful post. Thank you so much for posting the office gossip talking points for those socially challenged individuals such as myself that have trouble caring about talking about the level of bird poopage on the cars in the back parking lot of the office by the lampposts. I am so very glad to have something other than that to talk about. How informative.
There is but one thing you missed and that is the Friday interrogation by your Coworkers where you are presumed to be required to provide an itinerary for what you will do this weekend. Myself I always lie and nev er do what I tell my office workers I am going to do. This way Monday when they ask me what I did last weekend I can take mental notes to determine if they were paying attention the week before.
OH!~this brings me back to my office days *laughing!* love it! Glad you stopped by so I could find you!
“Make jokes about how you like women like your coffee? How is that exactly Simon, imported from poor countries?”
Funny stuff. I am now a follower. Maybe more like a stalker, but you knew that.
That was quite funny. And true. I’ve worked in many offices.
Thanks for following my blog, too!