If I need to know something then someone will email me. If I don’t need to know something I’ll read about it in the company newsletter.
Company newsletters have more spin than a clown’s plate. The only difference is you can’t wipe your arse on a clown’s plate. Newsletters never contain anything interesting. Instead you get the craptacular mug-winning stories that your co-workers submitted about why they joined the company and why they love it so much. Beware anyone with a company mug, they’re probably in some kind of corporate secret police. I’ll only love a company that pays me to write this gibberish.
Pause.
Pause.
Right, no takers for the offer. It seems I don’t love any company then.
Most company newsletters follow a similar pattern: un-amusing ‘amusing’ anecdotes, stories of who went on vacation where and took whichever photo of what, some tripe about preserving the environment using new cups and photos of colleagues at a company fundraiser dressed like pederast superheroes.
If it takes wearing a Spiderman pyjamas to get into the newsletter, I never want to be in the newsletter. The only reason to wear Spiderman pyjamas is if you want to startle the burglar.
Notable in their absence from the newsletter are articles about the burgeoning bureaucracy of middle management, why the mugs were painted by children in a sweat shop and which colleague got fired for telling some management toss-pot that they are indeed a toss-pot.
The photographs in the company newsletter follow a few themes too: refurbished workstations, more fundraisers, head shots, people shaking hands and group poses for formal events, which are just like the fundraiser photos except you have less of an excuse for looking like a tit.
If the company photographer ever snaps you shaking hands with a colleague make sure your facial expression is right; just keeping asking yourself “Can I smell alpine?” That gets me the doing my power face.
Thank you to my readers for these headlines:
- Social Committee charts course for fun – Well gee, I’m on board.
- Ambassadors pave the way for new representatives – What does that even mean?
- Growing teams by planting trees – Losing will to live by reading on.
But I’m still waiting for:
- Get in shape now! Our health insurance scheme is under-funded.
- Fancy charity work in Afghanistan? Our pension scheme is also under-funded.
- The future is bright (if you want to spend more time at home).
- Message from the board: “We don’t know either.”
- Management consultants: here comes a downsizing!
- Our newest promotion: a staff cutback scheme.
- 10 years in review: if we’re still here our competitors must also suck.
Colons: apparently I like them. Newletters: apparently I’m not such a fan.
;)
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
Our company used to do these things. And feature family members of the workers. Cuz the workers themselves were lame ass. And so was the newsletter.
Okay, so we have an HR newsletter which comes out every Monday.
I basically jump past all the policy changes and system tips to see who is knocked up.
I have priorities.
One of my biggest coups when I worked in Marketing Communications was getting rid of the stupid company newsletter.
“just keeping asking yourself “Can I smell alpine?” That gets me the doing my power face.”
LOL! I don’t think I even have a power face.
I use to write our companies newsletter before I left the company and started writing a blog instead. Same drivel, less pay.
“Colons: apparently I like them.” . . . that is stand alone funny!
What’s worse in life than reading the company newsletter? Finding out you’re the one responsible for producing it. Any vaguely interesting story is vetoed by your boss the CEO, it’s now your duty to wangle submissions from unwilling staff and you are held at gunpoint until you use the word pro-active. Sigh. Some days I really don’t miss my old life
For some reason these wretched things are always in the break room on the days I happen to have forgotten my book. I try to pick staring at the wall over reading them but I always cave.
Colons are probably more interesting that newsletters – but maybe not in a biological sense…
The company I retired from had switched to electronic newsletters..a new sort of spam in you email box!
So true. I love reading into the company news letters. So much goes unsaid.
this is true. They’re always in my break room…
I worked in a large company with multiple sales divisions. Guess what took over most of the company magazine?
Zzzzzzz.
Yeah. It was SO thrilling to hear about store xxxx’s sales numbers and to see a picture of the manager and his significant other awkwardly holding some plaque .
Wait. I remember being in that magazine holding a 10-year pin or something….YIKES!
I love reading newsletters while on the toilet
I give thank to Baby Jesus everyday that we don’t have a company newsletter. Instead, we have “Team” Meetings, which I typically skip out on. My co-works bore and irritate me to tears. I guess I’m not what you’d call a team player….and I’m o.k with that.
I can usually muster my best “driven” look by trying to divide
490 156 by 27 in my head.
You are a national treasure … truly.
D
Company newsletters are like family newsletters at Christmas. Both are totally useless and become the butts of many jokes.
This is so funny. Hee heeeeee, hee,hee.
You know whats even worse….when the QA department at your job has a newsletter.
Wow. My company’s newsletter is nothing like that! It’s totally boring and there are never any “can I smell alpine?” faces. What a gyp.
“The only reason to wear Spiderman pyjamas is if you want to startle the burglar.” This completely tickled my funny bone…I’m still laughing at the image you presented. Thank you for the funny post this morning!
Thank god I don’t have to read that crap! Maybe blue collar is not that bad!?
But the senior management blog is even better. It’s them getting down with the peeps.
I wish we worked together. You are really funny.
Company newsletters are complete fucking spam.
Love it! I think we must work at the same place.
Apparently our bosses have nothing to say to us because I have never seen a company newsletter in the 10 years I’ve worked here!
I’m actually thinking that must be a good thing.
think i will just retire, and start datin the walmart greeter
The only thing more thrilling than a company newsletter is the one I get from my dentist every quarter!
I am so glad I no longer have to read or receive company newsletters. They are sometimes good for laughs.
Rabbit, Rabbit
I used to do our company newsletter. I did cartoons that people liked but my boss never gave me time to do it ON company time so I stopped.
Oh, goodness! This is so true. It’s almost as if you’ve read OUR company newsletters. They send so many of them out, I honestly believe employees don’t really read them. (I know I don’t always.)
The most captivating part of our company newsletter, published bi-weekly, is the cafeteria menu. Taco Tuesday trumps new employee health plan. Hands down.
You really are a hoot! You would make any workplace better.
Dilbert lives! This shit was going on long before you went to work. Teamwork killed the super star! How do you stand out, when all it does is get you in trouble? Life will beat it out of you, one whiplash at a time..
Our latest company newsletter features a picture of me riding a mechanical bull.
Not my brightest moment but, hey, I’M IN THE CORPORATE NEWSLETTER!
OMG! If you hadn’t stumbled upon my blog, I would’ve never found yours! This is such a witty, tongue-in-cheek blog that had me in stiches the whole morning! Naturally, I shall be following YOU!
Nina
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